Eddie (edminster) wrote,

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An Apology

I don't like complete surprises. So, when my Mom revealed to me that she reads my blog, I became very upset. There was a short conversation, and it ended with some tears and harsh words being exchanged. I hate when that happens. So, anyway, I went upstairs to do my usual blogging, because I have a new story I want to start writing, but couldn't stop thinking about the conversation. I realised I was being incredibly spiteful and mean, and set out to write an apology, because Lord knows I can't deliver a sincere, honest, and soul-searching apology without some crying. And nobody wants that. So, after writing for nigh on four hours, I came up with the stuff behind the cut. It's not pretty, but it is one of the most difficult pieces I have written in recent history.

Mom, I know I was hurtful, while walking the dogs with you. I shouldn't have been, and I'm sorry. I don't think you are the worst mother in the world, and I don't expect you to be some sort of '50s June Cleaver supermom. I don't know why you think that, either, because I never said I expected it. I hold *myself* to incredibly high standards, Mom, but not anybody else. All I expect from you is to remind me about doing stuff, like vacuuming and taking my meds. And to hug me when I'm feeling down. Just, you know, general Mom stuff.

And I don't feel angry at you about the circumstances that surrounded my early life. I don't have any clue why you brought that up, either. I don't believe I have ever mentioned the topic anywhere, ever. And I'm fairly certain that if I did, it was an explanation of my life, and not something that would condemn you as a horrible person. You staying around, and not giving up on me is proof of the wonderful mother you are.

I don't blame you for any of my problems, either. Whenever I have a problem, odds are, it was my own damned fault, and I will figure out a way to fix it. When I was little, and unable to do that, I am glad you stepped in to help. Without your devotion to having a fine, upstanding son, I would not be the young man I am today.

Sure, I was angry at you for reading my blog, but only because you didn't ask me if it was okay first. I use that place to vent, rather than punch the walls. I find it works much better, and results in less property damage. But I say some things I wouldn't want you to overhear, because I don't want to hurt your feelings. Believe me, Mom, if I have something to say that you truly need to know, I will tell you.

As for your comment about me making the blog available for the public, I know I do. But, I post it for the anonymous public. The only person whom I am in touch with regularly and meet often is Dad, and I wouldn't have let him read my blog had he not asked permission first. And besides, Mom, it's a lot easier to be candid with an anonymous crowd than with a family. For me, at least. So that's why I post it to the public.

I am not going to make my Blog friends-only. I am sorry that I hurt you, Mom. And I hope you will reconsider your decision to never visit my journal again. I was angry, and irrational when I asked you to do that, and I am sorry. I only hope you can forgive me. But please, Mom, don't take anything on my journal as something to intentionally hurt you. I hate it when I hurt people, through speaking my mind.

See, Mom? This is why I hate having to talk with you face to face. With the Internet, I can doublecheck my reasoning, and tell my side of the story all at once. When I can actually see, in person, the effects of my opinion, I get too emotional. And that never solves anything for me, or anyone else I know. With the 'Net, I can take back what I say before anyone gets a chance to even know I had said something. Not so with real life.

So, in closing, I would like to state, once more, that I am sorry. Please forgive me.

Tags: news, past midnight

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