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That was odd...

Chapter Break

Chapter Break

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A Note from the author:

I didn't think I would have to do one of these so shortly into the novel. Heck, I was hoping I wouldn't have to do one at all. Unfortunately, it's here. Part of the novel that isn't really part of it, but it counts to me, so screw the rules, it's part of the story. Because I said so. Anyway, as all of you know, I am quite easily distractable. Pretty much anything can capture my attention when I have important things to do. Shiny things, not so shiny things, the occasional piece of lint, whatever. The point is, it's a shortcoming that I've been hoping to defeat with NaNoWriMo.

And not the only shortcoming either, for that matter. I'm also trying to prove to myself that I *can* write this much in a month. It's an incredible challenge that is both physically and mentally exhausting. But, in knowing that it exists, as well as stating my intention do participate months ago, I cannot simply drop out. To do so would be to go back on a solemn oath I had made, and that is inexcusable, in my mind. As my mother always taught me, A promise made is a Debt Unpaid.

I have never, in my entire life, felt at ease when I have anything left unsettled. If I borrow money from someone, they get it returned promptly, and usually I throw in some interest for the trouble they went through in order to help me out. I just cannot feel alright if I know I didn't do something I said I would. To not do as I promised I would is tantamount to lying, which is something I also abhor. Dishonesty is one of the roots of all hatred, and I am a very unhateful person. Sure, I may hate a person's actions, but I can never truly hate a person. Love the sinner, not the sin, and all that.

I've always had trouble writing. Using this livejournal has helped me quite a bit, and knowing that my wordcount per day occasionally breaks five-thousand is truly a happy-making fact. The sheer joy I feel in seeing my thoughts and feelings captured on paper is indescribable. I imagine it's something like the first steps of somebody who was told they would never walk again feel like. Just sheer will overcoming weakness. Proving that I am better than people think. Proving that I am better than I ever suspected I was.

And that is yet another thing this novel is going to help me with. I have almost no self-esteem. I live most of my life believing that I am a nothing, and that I don't deserve anything nice. I thank God every single day of my life for the blessings I have, and I suffer my inadequacies with dignity and aplomb.  NaNoWriMo is something to prove to myself that I am NOT inadequate, and that I should stop playing the role of Job, and start changing my life. I know you're thinking that I am the most unintelligent person on earth for thinking that I'm inadequate, and you are absolutely right. But that doesn't change the way I feel any more than wishing thin soup into stew makes it happen. I have to actually <i><b>DO</b></i> something for myself to change it.

I know that as soon as I finish this novel, I will never feel like I cannot write ever again. Because I will have proof that I can. I have to learn to trust myself, and any help I get from anybody but myself will undermine that accomplishment. Which means that not only do I have to write the novel, I have to do it alone. I can have conversations about it, but I can't have anybody suggest I try a certain approach, or anything of the sort.

I have skeletons in my closet that I am aware of, but do not know the nature of. Vague memories, disturbing visions, things that make me cringe at what I was. And yet I do not know exactly what they are. It haunts me, not knowing who I am. I think that maybe, just maybe I can discover a part of myself by writing. Everyone says they love how my mind works, but nobody really notices that I am as amazed as they are.


I am tired. And emotionally drained. I'm stopping writing right here.
  • . . . Ed. Keep writing. Don't give up. You are worth it. Blahblahblah a pep talk should be put here, but I won't because they depress me severely. O.o; Feel better and whatnot, blahblah.

  • Random thoughts, high word count, take two ...

    So I was writing this reply to your post and it had almost the word count you post did. I went to preview it after running the spell check and the computer totally ate it and kicked me offline. Now I will try again and see if it was just one of those things or if the computer god is telling me I said something I shouldn't have.

    First thought: It seems from your post that what you are experiencing is personal growth. Personal growth is sometimes painful and often very hard work. Though it is always challenging, it has it's rewards. You may think those who know you don't notice it, they do. And although you think we are unaware of your being just as fascinated by that growth as we are, we aren't. It's not always easy watching the struggle but seeing a person grow and become aware of who they are and what they have to offer is one of life's greatest pleasures.

    Second thought: How can you feel like you don't deserve the blessings in your life? I will allow this one paragraph of self doubt but just because I understand how much pressure and strain a project like this can be. You need to understand that feeling adequate is not something you can earn. If you think you can go out and work for it you will never get it. You need to know that you are more than adequate and begin to live your life accordingly. You need to know that you are a worthy member of the human race and a productive member of society. Acknowledge that you accept your responsibilities and your shortcomings. Recognize and take pride in your accomplishments and learn from your mistakes. Which brings us to ...

    Third thought: We all have skeletons in the closet. We refer to them as being "in the closet" because they are in the past and we've move beyond them. If we have not moved beyond them they would still be out here as part of our lives and not "in the closet". We do keep them, though, "in the closet" so we will remember not to repeat those mistakes or unpleasant situations.

    Fourth thought: It is a fine line to walk when trying to encourage someone's personal growth. Will the encouragement help or hinder the process? I could sit here and tell you how awesome I think you are (and you know I do) or I could sit here and tell you that life and personal growth are sometimes painful and very hard work. Today I've chosen to help you grow by saying that life & growth can be hard, sometimes daunting. But, I've found that the most rewarding accomplishments are those that push you to your very limits. And when you put all the justifications for not doing it aside, get past the procrastination, and jut complete it there is such a sense of pride in yourself that you don't even need anyone else to notice. (And, yes it took me a long time to get there.)

    Final thought: Although the title to your novel is "I Was An Innocent Bystander" one thing I've noticed about you is that you will never be just a bystander. You appreciate your family & friends, you share your gifts, you are aware and involved in political issues, you have a good heart and an inquiring mind; all things to be proud of. So, I will take this latest entry as Chapter 4. I look forward to Chapter 5.
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