Eddie (edminster) wrote,
Eddie
edminster

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Chapter Break


A Note from the author:

I didn't think I would have to do one of these so shortly into the novel. Heck, I was hoping I wouldn't have to do one at all. Unfortunately, it's here. Part of the novel that isn't really part of it, but it counts to me, so screw the rules, it's part of the story. Because I said so. Anyway, as all of you know, I am quite easily distractable. Pretty much anything can capture my attention when I have important things to do. Shiny things, not so shiny things, the occasional piece of lint, whatever. The point is, it's a shortcoming that I've been hoping to defeat with NaNoWriMo.

And not the only shortcoming either, for that matter. I'm also trying to prove to myself that I *can* write this much in a month. It's an incredible challenge that is both physically and mentally exhausting. But, in knowing that it exists, as well as stating my intention do participate months ago, I cannot simply drop out. To do so would be to go back on a solemn oath I had made, and that is inexcusable, in my mind. As my mother always taught me, A promise made is a Debt Unpaid.

I have never, in my entire life, felt at ease when I have anything left unsettled. If I borrow money from someone, they get it returned promptly, and usually I throw in some interest for the trouble they went through in order to help me out. I just cannot feel alright if I know I didn't do something I said I would. To not do as I promised I would is tantamount to lying, which is something I also abhor. Dishonesty is one of the roots of all hatred, and I am a very unhateful person. Sure, I may hate a person's actions, but I can never truly hate a person. Love the sinner, not the sin, and all that.

I've always had trouble writing. Using this livejournal has helped me quite a bit, and knowing that my wordcount per day occasionally breaks five-thousand is truly a happy-making fact. The sheer joy I feel in seeing my thoughts and feelings captured on paper is indescribable. I imagine it's something like the first steps of somebody who was told they would never walk again feel like. Just sheer will overcoming weakness. Proving that I am better than people think. Proving that I am better than I ever suspected I was.

And that is yet another thing this novel is going to help me with. I have almost no self-esteem. I live most of my life believing that I am a nothing, and that I don't deserve anything nice. I thank God every single day of my life for the blessings I have, and I suffer my inadequacies with dignity and aplomb.  NaNoWriMo is something to prove to myself that I am NOT inadequate, and that I should stop playing the role of Job, and start changing my life. I know you're thinking that I am the most unintelligent person on earth for thinking that I'm inadequate, and you are absolutely right. But that doesn't change the way I feel any more than wishing thin soup into stew makes it happen. I have to actually <i><b>DO</b></i> something for myself to change it.

I know that as soon as I finish this novel, I will never feel like I cannot write ever again. Because I will have proof that I can. I have to learn to trust myself, and any help I get from anybody but myself will undermine that accomplishment. Which means that not only do I have to write the novel, I have to do it alone. I can have conversations about it, but I can't have anybody suggest I try a certain approach, or anything of the sort.

I have skeletons in my closet that I am aware of, but do not know the nature of. Vague memories, disturbing visions, things that make me cringe at what I was. And yet I do not know exactly what they are. It haunts me, not knowing who I am. I think that maybe, just maybe I can discover a part of myself by writing. Everyone says they love how my mind works, but nobody really notices that I am as amazed as they are.

*sigh*

I am tired. And emotionally drained. I'm stopping writing right here.
Tags: nanowrimo
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