Eddie (edminster) wrote,

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"A promise made is a Debt Unpaid!"

This was my campaign slogan. It's kind of difficult to keep the public's interest in debt repayment for too long, though. About six weeks into my cross-country tour, we hit a record low in rally attendance. So, in an effort to stir up some enthusiasm amongst the people, I asked the six attendees what slogan would stir up more interest in my campaign to win the presidency. I really wish I hadn't promised to use whatever they suggested.

"Make Peace, Not War!"

"I've Fallen and I can't get up!"

"Sometimes gum looks like a penny!"

"Love is like racing across the frozen tundra when your snowmobile flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the Ice weasels come!"

"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines!"

"Madame, I may be drunk, but you are ugly. In the morning I shall be sober, but you will still be ugly!"

What happened next is, to be quite frank, very much expected. At each of the next six stops we made, I tried out a different slogan on the people who showed up at the rallies.

First stop was the AntiWar slogan. Unfortunately, nobody had informed me that we were stopping at the National Riflemakers, Tankbuilders and Bomb Technicians Association of America headquarters. I haven't tried starting my own car since that stop.

Second stop was "I've Fallen and I can't get up!"
Much to my chagrin, we had stopped at the semiannual meeting of the AARP, which reported a record attendance of seven thousand persons over the age of fifty-five. No senior-citizen votes for me.

The final four stops are not worth mentioning, besides saying that I am no longer welcome by the Anti-Capitalist Bubblegum Manufacturers Association, the Valentine's Day Coalition of Love, any of the Native American reservations in this great country, and I'm especially unwelcome by Alcoholics Anonymous.

In short, I am now hated by warmongers, old people, commies, hippies, Indians, and drunkards. Not only will I surely lose the election, but I'm fairly certain I will be the first native-born U.S. citizen to be deported. Wish me luck.

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