It was around the time that I hit the age of fifteen that it started to dawn on me that the Adults actually believed all of the things they had been telling me. All of the stories were beyond even the most absurd brand of logic imaginable. I mean, come on, they had to be bullshitting about some of it, right? Wrong.
As it turns out, it was all true. There really are foul and twisted creatures who desire nothing more than to torment mankind, just as there really are perfect beings who long for nothing more than everlasting peace. Every story I was ever told was absolutely true. I just really wish they hadn't left all of the really, really important bits out.
In the grand scheme of things, I guess that it didn't really matter that all of the knowledge that had been passed down to me was about as useful as a wine cask full of salmon innards. I still won out over the forces of Darkness, right? And I've ensured everlasting peace and harmony, right? So what does it matter that I was working with strategic information that just so happened to be a couple of millenia out-of-date; I still got the job done, right?
Yes, I concede all of those points. However, I do want to say that not only did I never volunteer for the job, but that I was constantly bemoaning the fate of, and let me quote myself here, "The poor sap who has to fight against all of those demons using nothing more than a flask of water, a dented bugle, and a saber dipped in kerosene."
I readily admit that I was giving quite unflattering descriptions of Holy Water, The Horn of Gabriel, and the Flaming Sword of the Archangel. But still. They could at least have made it explicitly known that I was going to be humanity's ultimate champion on the Day of Reckoning. I mean, seriously, it's nice to give a guy some warning.
Everybody knows my life history at this point, seeing as how you can't save the world in a spectacular fashion while still maintaining any level of anonymity, so I'm not going to touch upon my home life, my friends, or my school in this memoir. I'll just tell you the bits that He conveniently forgot to mention during His recitation of my exploits. Also, I want to set the record straight on a few things that seem to have become garbled with so many retellings. Have fun reading it.