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That was odd...

Draw when you are happy, Write when you are sad.

Draw when you are happy, Write when you are sad.

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I must take stock of my life right now. To be honest, it is not unfolding at all the way I expected it to.

I have fairly systematically destroyed my life. I don't know why, but people who have known me for a while tend to believe that it is a pathological need for failure. For some unknown reason, I am only happy with myself when I am trashing my life. I am most at peace when I am doing things that are absolutely the worst thing for me to be doing.

I don't know why I self-sabotage. All I know is that whenever things are going incredibly well for me, I get restless. It's not something I consciously do. I just seem to get myself into situations that can only end incredibly badly. When my life is out of my control, I feel safe. That's not to say that I want people to take care of me; to become a ward of the State. No, I feel like I will truly be happy when I am not certain if I will survive the day.

Maybe Freud was right, and that everyone has an urge for self-destruction. If so, my actions seem to dictate that I desire oblivion more than most. And yet that runs counter to everything I have been raised to believe in. I was raised to believe that people are kind and generous. That every day is a blessing. That I should go out and make a difference in the World.

I have a lot of minor phobias, but only one true thing that I fear above all else. Deep down inside, all that I fear is that my life is without meaning. The need to make my mark on the world is so deep-rooted that I fear being forgotten. I don't want to die and have not made a positive change in the world. I suppose one could say the quote 'Be the change you want to see in the World' is my personal motto. It certainly fits me, and I want to do so.

Unfortunately, I seem to set expectations for myself that I cannot reach. I hold myself to a standard that is unreasonable to ask of any but the most selfless. I essentially try to hold myself to the standard of Ghandi and Christ. There is no way that I can be as good and pure as they were, and it hurts me to admit it. Knowing that I cannot be the kind of people they were destroys me inside.

Which may explain my apparent need to destroy myself. If I cannot be like they, what is the point of existing at all? And besides, look at how they both ended up: murdered. Do I really want that? I don't think so. I want to make people understand that there is more to life than bickering and getting ahead of the other guy. I want to make people see that kindness is it's own reward. I want to show people that it is possible to get along with those whose actions you despise.

Everyone is good, deep down inside. I believe that, with all my heart. Wow, but I strayed from my original topic. And I've kinda stopped having the urge to write for now. So, um... I'll just... go...

Peace, everyone.
  • Making big changes is hard - as Bill James once said, "It's a life's work just to trim the world's toenails." It also usually requires getting a lot of people to go along with you and help do the things you want to see done.

    God doesn't expect us to change the world; He only expects that we change ourselves and be an example to others as best we can. So don't feel like you're a failure if you can't be a one-man army for change like Christ, Gandhi, King or any of the other people held up as examples. Look at the saints - a lot of them didn't make big changes; they just lived their lives and tried hard to do good, and we remember them centuries later for the lives they led.

    People are all basically good. They are also all basically evil. Every minute of every day they have to choose between good and evil, and this determines whether they wind up as Stalin or Mother Teresa. Free will, man. Use it for good.

    Choose to post more often, if nothing else. I'm not alone in worrying about you when I don't see fresh posts.
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