Sweet. I just found something to write about. I love checking my email and finding a topic. It is absolutely grand, did you know that? Alright, so today's topic is going to be about one of my character flaws. It's something that has been brought to my attention before, but I didn't realise exactly how big of an issue it was until now. I burn bridges.
Not just burn, I light the charred remains on fire again and then salt the earth they were built on. Not that it would prevent another bridge being built, it just makes it so that there can't be any decorative landscaping around it. For some reason I'm of the opinion that this is a completely normal thing to do.
It happens to me a lot. Every time there is a major life change, I basically cut off all contact that I had with people I called my friends. I graduated from high school nearly five years ago. All of the people that I knew and talked to on a regular basis? I haven't heard from them or about them ever since. Well, I saw one guy, but I didn't stop to talk to him.
I went to college, and made a few friends. This is the first attempt at college that I'm talking about, mind you. I made some friends, we talked alot, and then as soon as I droppedout, I never contacted them again. The only exception is foxchild, who I saw at a bookstore years later. Again, I didn't strike up a conversation. It was actually he who started it, and I felt bad because I couldn't remember his name. Mind you, I still feel bad, because I still can't remember it.
I got a job at a pet store. Made a bunch of friends there, and had a grand time. I ended up getting fired, and never talked to them again. I've since seen several people who formerly worked there, and again it is not me who strikes up the conversation. It's almost like I can't bring myselfto acknowledge that peoplewill remember me, so I try to remain as obscure as possible. Lately that's been getting harder.
You see, at my last job, I was put into contact with literally hundreds of people whosaw me and spoke with me on a regular basis. I helped them make decisions on what to purchase, and I did so by finding out exactly what they needed. That's impossible to do without long conversations, and apparently this type of service is nearly unheard of in the service industry today. So, I went from being someone that other people barely noticed, to a memorable figure who can always be sought out for advice.
This led to friendships with customers, and making even more friends through them. Now, when I left that job, something unusual happened. I didn't cut off all contact. Really,at that point I couldn't because I was hanging out with friends fairly routinely. This is something that I had never really done before, as I tended to keep my work and school seperate from my personal life. Which, I suppose, made it much easier to sever my ties. This was no longer an option, because for the first time in basically ever, I had made real friends.
Now, I've written about how too much success makes for a pschotic Nick. This is precisely what happened. I ended up throwing a tantrum at one of the people who had helped me actually become a normal person with real friends. So, because he hangs out with the majority of the people I enjoyed the company of, I fairly effectively killed my social life. Again. For the fifth or sixth time. Luckily, I still had another group of friends.
Then I moved. Ended up killing off that group by being unable to hang out, as the distance factor was just too much to overcome. So,I had succeeded in once again isolating myself from everyone. This was aided by not having minutes on my phone, and by keeping my email address and website generally unknown. It's worked fairly well, so far.
As it turns out, I had informed someone in the group of friends about my website. So, I have started talking with them again. Not all of them, just the ones who have taken the time to contact me. I guess I'm still defaulting to the 'Ignore unless contacted' mindset. Which is something I need to break out of, and I am beginning to take steps to make sure that I get back in touch with the people I've essentially left for dead. Starting with this post, (hopefully) explaining why I seem to be ignoring them.
Honestly, I'm trying to keep to myself until I can once again support friendships. I'm not really in a state of mind to put forth more than a token friendship, and I definitely cannot afford to actually go out and spend time with people. So, I have to content myself to speaking with people online. I really do feel bad about how little I can commit right now, but time and resources are not going to permit more.
I am glad to see that I do still have friends, though. No matter how badly I go about living my life, some people still like me. So Hello, Jon! Hello, Massey! And if you read this despite my being an utter douchebag, Howdy, Brandon! I hope you all enjoy my writings, and I do apologise for my actions. Bah. Enough with the seriousness, Livejournal has enough angsty people on it. I mean, that's kind of their reputaion, nowadays.
My spacebar has not miraculously recovered from whatever is keeping it from spacing things properly, so I have to go back through my posts now and doublecheck to see that I didn't miss any. It's really annoying to do so, especially when you find that it didn't space an entire paragraph. So, I am going to have to do one of two things. I can either slow down my typing to make sure that I actually have pressed the spacebar with sufficient force, or I can try to find some way to repair it.
Now,my experience with computers is generally limited to using them as word processors (in which case I use Notepad), or to research. I really don't usually try to fix things, as I am always afraid that I will mess things up hardcore. Like that time when I accidentally deleted a critical system file on purpose. That was the day that I first learned that you really should not touch any file that ends in '.sys', a lesson I have kept close to my heart. That was my first computer, and I bricked it.
So, I have decided that if there is to be work done to fix this computer, it will not be done by my hands. I'll pull data off of computers, but I won't muck with the software or hardware. Bad stuff could result, and I don't want to make an incredibly expensive mistake. So, I can really only reach one conclusion at the moment.
I'm going to slow down my typing. Yeah, I know it's not going to fix the problem, but it's a decent bandage for the moment. Hopefully, it doesn't end up making things any worse. Grah. I've sort of run out of things totalk about, so let's see how far off from my goal I am for today. Nifty, I'm pretty close to finishing up for the day. I'm at around 1325 words for the day. So, I have to find something else to write about for the next eight paragraphs or so.
My love of cocoa, perhaps? I mean, while it is something that is borderline abnormal, it is not something that I think would make interesting reading. I mean, seriously folks, how interesting can cocoa be? I could research it, but that's something I've done before. Grah. Whatever I decide, I should do it quickly, as it is slightly past eleven, and I am doing my best to update daily.
Actually, there is a recipe that I would like to look up, since it is getting chillier out with each passing day. Hang on, let me find it, or at least a reasonable facsimile, so I can post it. I'm fairly certain we don't have the ingredients for it here, so I'll have to see if we can purchase them next time we're out. Actually, I think I'll hold off on posting the recipe until after I've tried it, as I don't want to inflict a horrible recipe upon you all.
Bah. I can't find any recipe that seems exactly right, so I'll just put off searching until after I have posted this. Makes no sense to waste time when the deadline is now 37 minutes from arriving. Come to think of it, I don't think that the people I live with would pick up the ingredients anyway, as half of the household either doesn't like or cannot stomach most spicy foods. The other half would most likely enjoy it immensely, but I don't know.
Heck, I'm not even certain I will like it. I've had stuff like it before, and I always thought that it was slightly off. Oh! I just realised that I never said what I was looking for. It's a hot chocolate recipe, the kind that uses chili peppers. Kind of like how the Maya and Aztecs did it. In looking up recipes, I did find out that the word 'chocolate' most likely derives from the Maya word 'xocoatl', although others disagree, claiming that it is from the Nahuatl word 'xocolatl'. I'm not sure who to believe so I'll just file it away under 'unverified' for now.
Well, that's four paragraphs down. I still have another four to write, if I am ever to catch up to the wordcount I should be at. Nothing to help that but to write, I suppose. Grah.Stupid lack of ideas. Why did I get into this whole NaNoWriMo thing, anyway? Oh, I remember now. It's because I was feeling all sorts of down and depressed. I must say that this has been helping quite a bit with that, as it allows me to set my thoughts down. It allows me to properly analyse just how retarded I am. From what I can gather, I'm pretty retarded.
Bah. Whitney is loud and annoying. And I know she's never gonna read this, so I can call her names. Yeah. She's a cat, and she can't read. So, I'm just going togo on the record and say that the fur coat that she always wears looks ridiculous, and that her breath always smells like fish. Your move, cat. Beat that. Yeah. That's what I thought, you got nothing. Nah, I kid. She's an alright kind of cat, especially when you consider that she's half-blind and nearly eighteen years old.
Wow, I am retarded. Posting insults to a cat on my livejournal. How pathetic can I get? I think at this point, the only thing that could make this situation any more sad and pathetic would be if she threw up in my shoe. Man, how much would that suck? That's like one big ol' FAIL sticker placed upon the forehead. Anyway, I don't think I can write much more, as I think this post stopped being interesting about eleven paragraphs ago.
So, in summation: I suck at the whole 'friendship' thing.
Good night everybody, and stay safe out there.